The green monster's back

Why am I so incapable of motivating myself?

Renée

Jots of trash

I wish I could tell you it so that you'd be elated,too.
Have you ever had the dilemma of dying to tell someone you love about something you love but you're incapable of doing what you're urging to do?
There's a heavy burden etched in my heart which just won't disappear.
I've been confronted with numerous radical situations my whole life.
Sometimes earlier than I ought to, and at times much later than I should've had.
One thing they have in common?
Every situation was the moment that could change the next; and the next the proximate; and the proximate, eventually, a lifetime.
This second is A moment.
I'm holding onto that one thing I'm aware I'm more than just lucky to have.
It's something I know that is one in a billion, something abstract yet irreplaceable.
...but people around me are demanding me to let it go, convincing me that it's more harmful than heavenly with their colorful words and graphic illustrations.
AND with their own lives.
It's something I found and which was waiting to be found;
something I rescued which saves me everytime.
It's this second; a moment.

...

Why should I keep up to anyone's expectations but mine?
I don't want to be that ostracized victim.

Renée

Ms. Belle

Come to think of it, I've never wanted to be like Britney nor Christina when I was small.
It's sort of peculiar how these days, the media-driven society has its general ideals of what absolute beauty is: an immaculate, soft skin, silky hair, a hot muscular body, vogue clothing, etc. (the meaning of the word even varies depending on the culture and country)..
Well, as for me, I think I don't know what to make of that.

The other day, I hung out with a friend of mine who I have seldom seen these past several months due to neglectful lack of time. Ergo, we decided to go window shopping and to buy some coffee and sit down at a petite gourmet café to catch up on each other's lives.
So that's exactly what we did.

At first, to be quite honest, moments of awkwardness haunted our discourse: it was during our stay at the café that I began to become more talkative and to feel that more familiar air.
We then also talked about the problems of the world like we used to do before.
... and I realized how much I had missed that.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I had an epiphany on that day.
As I observed her (I analyze everyone during conversations), I realized how lost I was... how lost I actually am and how little I have accomplished.

Remember what I mentioned about ''absolute beauty''? Well, I think my view on that is a tad bit different from that of the media:
for me, beauty is strength in character.
Tolerance. Sharpness. Charisma. Observant and questioning.
Beauty is always willing to learn; sociable.
Eloquence. Affectionate. Devotion. Charm and maturity.

In other words, for me, beauty is measured emancipation.
... and that's precisely what I noticed in her...
... yet also what I have failed to achieve.

I never had an ideal; a role model.
The only thing I've consequently strived for in that sense is to reach these standards of ''beauty'' I have set for myself..
I've always thought it was nearly implausible to be ''all-in-one''...
...but how can that be? I saw living proof of it...

I couldn't help but feel a bit envious.
Inferiority complex, much?

 

Renée

Egocentrism

"I can't believe I did what I did.
I just can't digest the entity I've become.
I don't understand what happened nor what occured to me in that instant;
All I know is that I did it.
I hurt her.
But it wasn't me.
Although technically, it was.
It was my body, my hands, my legs, my apathetic face.
But someone else domained and controlled my mind.
Someone whose name wasn't even mine.
Was it me?
Or was it a stranger?
How can I be me yet also be that ''Amy'' at the same time?
It was a dream.
It must have been."

Life is a dream played in your own little head.


P.S: I aced my presentation! :D AND I gained weight!