Eyeing the I

Is it possible for something you love so much, something you really aspire for, to wound your heart irrevocably and deeply?

I´m not sure what has gotten into me, but I know that something is just not right.

I´ve been feeling pretty peculiar lately and I just don´t know why.

Ever since the start of this new year, I´ve been, as everyone else, trying my best to reach the goals my heart intensely craves for, destinations which somehow would render my existence here not only shimmer, but more importantly, meaning.

And somehow, for some unknown reason, fate just keeps on mocking me.

I know everything happens for a reason and that later, I´ll probably regret even thinking such self-absorbed things like these, but the nagging worries which have been seeping in overlappingly don´t seem to cease and well, I´m guessing that this post is probably the climax of these preoccupations.

I´m the youngest in the family, and those of you who also are will in all likelihood understand the advantages as well as the disadvantages of being the "little one":

people just don´t take you seriously and whatever you may do, you can just forget it and get another life.

For me? Everything´s going downhill, despite of the countless efforts I exert everyday. I keep on telling myself that it´ll be alright and that things are bound to find their proper place, but I´m getting tired of hearing the monotonous sound of my voice always claiming things which for some absurd reason, don´t happen at all.

Just like everyone, I have my very own dreams; dreams which I´d die happily with as long as they´re achieved.

That´s just like me (and you); I dream. I imagine. I pine, eventually stumbling into a surreal illusion I strive hard to realize.

Bittersweet reality, though, proves me otherwise, always disclosing the cracks and blemishes of my infeasible plans. Yet the worst part is that I KNOW that they´re not infeasible, but rather the fact that I´m not given the chance to make them happen.

It´s just like watching TV, seeing those oh-so-perfect people while also wanting the same, when suddenly you think twice and remember that it´s all just like some kind of charade; an outer facade which deceivingly conceals the errors, the cracks and imperfections lying underneath the tons of make-up they consumed to achieve so-called "perfection".

I have the feeling that my dreams are comparable to this, a mere deceitful charade; a state of mind which remains far-fetched.

I´m tired of being so chained, my freedom being deprived by people who are equally chained but who just don´t want to see reality for what it is, the circle of slavery we all are caught into... because for whatever reason, humans are too blind to acknowledge that life is dull regardless of the infinite beauties, both natural and artificial, it may possess.

...I´m scared of turning my head around and confronting reality face-to-face, admitting the fact that I´ll never complete my dreams.

I like to sugarcoat it as optimism, yet because of the world, I´m obliged to call it naïvite.

Or maybe it´s just me.

Maybe I´m too conceited.

Maybe I think the world revolves around me.

Maybe I think too much.

Or maybe I´m just starving.

Either way, I feel terrible.

And this means that I can forget my diet once again...

and that I probably won´t be enjoying the gift given to me from above.

Anyway, good night to you all.

RENEE

P.S: No, I´m not depressed and I´m not emo. I just have my issues, that´s all.